I interrupt your political nonsense to bring you a story about a rug and hope.

Every trip to Target since June, this rug has made me sad, because it’s so perfect for a baby girl room. I would stand there and try to rationalize purchasing it but came to my senses each time. Not knowing when we would ever be matched or if it would even be a girl, I just couldn’t justify it. 
  But tonight, (God willing) our baby girl is due in 36 days. So tonight I loaded this bad boy in my “online cart” and with a few clicks, my heart flipped a switch. 

If you think this is a story about a rug you are wrong. It’s a story about hope. You see subliminally, I chose to walk down that isle and subject myself to the heartache, every single trip. It was as if my heart knew what it needed to see to keep the dream alive. 
Hope is funny that way. It hurts and it stretches us, far beyond what we think we are cable of. Then, just in time it reveals itself and like a light switch to your heart it illuminates the world around you. Letting you steal a glimpse of his promises, proving to you that he is faithful and hope is truth.

(Image is stock image, not my own) 

Sweet Baby Girl, 

Tonight is the first night I learned of you. I was talking to your Aunt Jessie when the phone rang. I practically hung up on her when I saw our agency on the other line. My heart stood still in my chest. 
Jerry called and said, “If you think this is Christmas call, you are wrong. If your think this is New Years call you are wrong. But if you  think that this is the day you were matched with a birth family, you are right.”  My world started spinning and my heart got caught in my throat. I just stood there smiling, speechless. Then, that very second I heard your daddy’s car in the driveway so I ran to the door, put Jerry on speaker phone and made him repeat the whole thing over again. The smile on your daddy’s face was one I’ve never before. I can’t even describe it but you’ll see it soon. I have a feeling that’s his smile just for you.Jerry told us of your first mommy and daddy and how much they love you. I’m excited to meet them. They told us that you were due March 1st. Next they said something that made me lose my breath, something that changed my life forever, something that woke my heart up. They said that you were girl! I screamed for joy and Jerry and Debbie joked saying it’s good to know that Amber is still there on the line. I was so quiet on the phone because I was trying to soak it all up, I wanted to remember everything. Luckily I have your daddy to help with that, he pulled out his phone and started taking notes. 

The moment where it all sank in and became real was when Jerry began to tell us that your mommy and daddy had a name in mind for you. When they said the name Violet, I saw your face for the first time. I saw my baby girl and my heart melted. That was the split second you became my daughter and it was also the moment you gave me what my heart needed most. You made me a momma. 

As I’m sitting here writing this I just want you to know that I’ll do whatever I can to make you feel complete, chosen, and cherished because thats what I’ve prayed for my whole life and tonight you were my answer.  It is my hope that your first mommy and daddy will always have a place in your life because I want you to feel double the love. 

I love you already baby girl, to the moon and back

Love, Mommy

The year of letting go. Understanding loss, defeat. Learning patience. Laying down guilt for the last time. Picking up petals of peace and stashing them for cloudy days. Choosing Joy while exposing pain. Finding strength and beauty in the ashes of denial and rebirth in the rubble of my expectations. Taking refuge under his wings and finally grasping that he has felt it all with me. So much gained, nothing wasted. Bring on 2017

Infertility; It’s a pain that cannot be compared or measured.

Our journeys in this life are all so different.  Why do we feel the need  to prove that our hurts are worse or harder than anyone else’s?

Why is comparison our first reaction to someone else’s hurt?

I would never try to prove to a person fighting cancer that my pain compares to theirs.  I know that try as may, all the compassion in the world could never reach the crevices of her heart where fear and injustice has seeped in.  I can’t feel it for her.

I don’t know what it’s like for her to have to answer “how are you feeling?” over and over again. Or to worry about giving people the answer that they want to hear because people want positive news.

I don’t know what it’s like to have to look my children or spouse in the eyes and admit that I’m dying, so I would never compare.

I would just pray and make sure they knew it was OK to have bad days and assure them that I am on their team. I would just love them and help put them back-together when they fall apart  on their bad days…

(My perspective, not speaking for all of us)  I share this because this is what people with infertility need more than anything:

They just want you to stop comparing heartache, they don’t want you to try to fix it.

They want to be allowed to have bad days, they need you to still see them the same way when they come out of that cloudy day. They just want to know that you are on their team.

They just need you help them hold it together and in return they will do the same during your heartache…

For those of y’all that have ever bought a fixer upper, you already understand what I am about to tell you. For those who are even thinking about purchasing a fixer upper, there are a few important things that you need to know. So pull up your farmhouse chair, grab a pretty white Rae Dun #blessed mug full of Starbucks Anniversary blend Joe (that you only bought because it had a dang Mermaid on it) and lean in close.  I’m about to tell you something really, really important.

Are you ready?   Chip and Joanna make it look way easier than it is.  It’s not all Sunshine and Shiplap, sometimes you wake up to find your very own mini poop-pond in your back yard.  Yes that’s right! One minute you are basking in the glory of your freshly painted  (Sea Salt by Sherwin Williams) laundry room and the next minute, your seven pound Maltese is having the time of his life, pouncing around in a suspicious pool of brown liquid that wasn’t there yesterday.

Failed septic drain fields aside, here is what I’m really getting at:

There are things you are going to have to say no to in order to prepare/recover from unexpected expenses. Things I’ve said ” No” to this Month:  Getting my hair done (it’s been since July but I’m still rocking a very unnatural balayage),  going out to eat (I’ve cooked every meal this week) and fall fashion temptations (those fringe ankle boots, statement chokers, and slouchy knits are all still haunting me in my dreams).

But there are simple joys that make it oh so worth it.  Like not sweating it when you have put down that $7 burlap ribbon and walk out of  Jo-Ann Fabrics as fast as you can because you just came up with the perfect idea:

Faux Burlap Ribbon from Publix shopping bags:

Items you will need:

• Scissors
• Publix plastic shopping bag,
• Braiding skills (fine tuned and perfected from practicing on my little ponies)

Cut three strips from a Publix bag and braid them. Tying them to a kitchen cabinet helps.  I used the faux burlap ribbon as a wreath holder but it would be cute for Christmas gifts too. Simple, free, why not?

Thanks for the chat, be sure to come back for a visit! Until next time Peace ♥ & Strong  Coffee ~Amber

Guys, get in your cars right now and head to Target.  Skip the PSL  (Pumpkin Spice Latte), You wont have hands to carry it.  And don’t you even think about getting lost in the Dollar Spot Bins just yet!  The ceramic pumpkins and $3 candles will still be there.  But what wont still be there are  “As Is” hidden treasures like these beautiful Mint Farm Table Chairs that I found. They are online right now for $149 a pair.  I scored them for $73 a pair.

My understanding (from the nice gentleman in khakis  and a red polo)  is that “As Is” items are  items that are returned from online but that specific store doesn’t carry said item in full inventory.  He also said Target marks items that have been opened and the packaging isn’t perfectly intact. These chairs for example had not been opened, our Target simply didn’t carry them.  All I know is that they were “Mint” to go with this table and I felt like such a successful adult for putting them together without hurting myself.

***UPDATE*** Many of ya’ll have asked if there is a specific “As Is” section in Target.  I  called my target up and asked. They said that they place it with their clearance.  I have noticed that as season displays get switched out clearance inventory grows.  My target usually has a lot of clearance near the wall hanging aisles and on the end caps of bath, kitchen, and lighting. Happy Hunting for those glorious red stickers, think of it as adult Pokemon Go!! Hold on honey, mamas about to catch Mercury Glass lantern for 70% off!

Before I go, y’all have to check out these stunning “look alike” Crystal Coasters I scored for $7.99 at  HomeGoods today.  $175 at Bloomingdales? Not today Satan! That’s like a weeks worth of groceries!!!